We intentionally designed our driving tour through central Europe to be flexible and somewhat unplanned, partly to add to the adventure and also because we had no idea what we might find interesting along the way. So during our second night in Kraków we discussed our plans for the next day, and finally made the firm decision to go into Ukraine because, in the end I guess, yolo.
Our online research indicated that it was not necessarily a big deal to cross the border. So we made our target the city of Uzhhorod, which is just across the border from Slovakia, and just about as far away from Russia as you can get in Ukraine.
Despite that distance, on April 1, 2026 Russian drones targeted infrastructure facilities in the Uzhhorod and Khust districts, leaving at least one person injured. And on May 13, 2026 Uzhhorod was hit by Russian Shahed/kamikaze drones for the first time during a massive wave of nearly 800–890 UAVs targeting western Ukraine. So yeah, we had numerous discussions beforehand as to whether this was something we wanted –or should– do.
Once the final decision was made, we yolo’d our sorry asses into the car and girded our loins, not being sure as to how it would all work out nor whether our loins really needed girding or what girding actually was. Our loin areas did clench a little bit though, once we spotted what looked like smoke from mortar rounds or missile strikes off in the distance.
We had to find a place to park near the border, a necessity since our cowardly rental car company made it clear we couldn’t drive the car into Ukraine. Of course, that was unless we rented their specially equipped three wheeler Reliant Regal with a machine gun mount. But it was a clear no-go because we knew there was no way both of us could fit in there, especially with both luggage and ammunition. Plus they wanted 875 euros a day just for insurance, so we passed on that and elected to just park on the Slovakia side of the border and hike into the battlefield.
On the way there, we saw acres and acres of wheat fields; Ukraine is the ninth-largest wheat producer in the world, but as you can see in the picture this was actually a Slovakian wheat field, obviously, because everyone knows about the distinctive look of Slovakian wheat as compared to the Ukrainian strain. As we approached the border, we saw this sign, which we translated with Google Translate from the Slovak and discovered “Uhradou” translates to “They will pay.” This was obviously directed at the Russkies, so the drumbeats of war began dancing in our heads. Either that or it was just the start of nervous migraines.
Once we got to the border, we found a dirt parking lot with a few dozen cars in it as well as a couple of sketchy guys standing around. But this was already a day of risks, so we pretended we didn’t see them. We just nonchalantly backed the car up into some bushes and covered it up with assorted fallen branches. We then walked to the border crossing where we were silently herded toward what might have been our imminent deaths, albeit reassuringly protected from drone attacks by wire fence and our vigorous serpentining as we ran toward the border.
We had to show our passports and pass the scrutiny of 4 or 5 different guards and checkpoints. At one point they put us into a waiting room, not being sure if we were going to end up in interrogation rooms or bent over a table enjoying a body cavity search.
Alas, my greatest fear came true: we had to endure a ponderous and somewhat heavy-handed –er-fingered– body cavity probe, as well as a complete pat down and a thorough search of all of our belongings, including our ammunition belts. The body cavity exploration, much to my surprise, turned out to be quite enjoyable, actually. I asked hopefully if we also got to have one of those upon our return as well, but I don’t think he understood the question. He just washed his hands extra briskly and grunted.
We then had to sit through a video presentation on what to do in case of an air strike. We learned how to dodge and weave, and where the air raid shelters could be found. Since we are Americans, they also let us know where the premium shelters were. Of course, they each cost 1,000 Ukrainian hryvnia to enter, which is about 22 dollars, or almost 20 euros, or exactly 567,164.63 Vietnamese dong, in case you were wondering. With the potential of drones or missiles raining down upon our heads, we figured it’d be worth the price, especially with the better toilet facilities, unlimited mineral water, and fancy chocolates.
They then took us into a military hangar, where a gruff-voiced no-nonsense sergeant-type who said his name was Жартую, which translates to “Gunny” in English, outfitted us with protective military gear and about an hour of basic Ukrainian language training so we’d understand phrases like, “Get the hell down!” and “Why are you running that way you dumb fat Americans?”
With all the preparations complete, all that was left to do was to walk between some more barbed-wire fences, get our passports checked one last time (they again refused to give me another body cavity search), and enter a war zone for the first time in our lives.
Okay, okay, okay, so I just had to get all of my usual BaldSasquatch.com baloney out of the way, because it just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t offer up a bunch of that. I promise that from now on, other than a few lame attempts at humor here and there, I’m going to describe our visit accurately and without my usual exaggerations for comedic effect. Because I figure that, like us, a lot of people are curious as to what it’s like to visit a country that’s at war, so I’m gonna play it straight from here on in. But just to clarify, there is some of the above that’s true, specifically the two Russian attacks six months previous, the multiple passport checks, and the walk between fences. But, ah, that’s mostly it.
Additionally, the smoke in the very first picture above was taken by us, but it was while we were in Slovakia and I think someone was burning leaves or something. The body armor looks great, but that’s only thanks to AI, and of course the machine gun car was created by me because ChatGPT refuses to work on photos with guns. All other photos here are untouched and taken by just the two of us.
Also made up was the body cavity searches (one of the biggest reliefs of my life was to learn that Portugal no longer does the dreaded finger for prostate exams, but instead relies on more accurate and civilized blood tests).
As to all the separate passport checks; I was never sure whether we were being vetted by Slovakians or Ukrainians, but they were no-nonsense military types who didn’t seem overly surprised that a couple of dumb Americans were risking their lives to be tourists in Ukraine, so it wasn’t all that much different from most borders.
We only had to walk a short distance to find a few taxis waiting for people crossing the border. I was originally going to use Bolt (Uber isn’t as big there, and I’m pissed at them anyway for horrible customer service with a problem they created), but at or near the border we had no cell service, so we ended up agreeing to use one of the taxis. Since we didn’t have any Ukrainian hryvnia (I expected a picture of a hyena on their currency), and we had a driver who spoke little to no English but made it clear he didn’t accept credit cards, we had to mutually hand gesture our way to a nearby currency exchange. Being a bit oblivious as to the exchange rate, it wasn’t until after the ride that I realized how much I had overpaid that driver because I gave him the smallest bill I had and to no surprise he had no change (and then of course he happily made it clear he’d love to be the one to give us a ride back to the border). But that’s okay, we were there to support Ukraine and its people, and if a cabbie got a big tip, that was fine with me.
I was also curious as to the price of gas there, so I took that photo of a gas station. The A-95, which is what I usually buy in Portugal, was 84.50 hryvnia a liter, which is equal to 1.67 euros, a fair amount cheaper than in Portugal where it has crossed the 2 euro threshold of late, It’s also equal to USD $1.87, which means that it costs about $7.08 a gallon, compared to today’s average price in the USA of $4.15 a gallon. But America loves cheap gas.
These are simply shots of a typical street in Uzhhorod, which normally wouldn’t be noteworthy, but y’know, we hear all about the war in Ukraine but a lot of us have little idea what the day to day life is like there, so somehow these views became interesting to me.
Once we got into downtown Uzhhorod, we found it to be like just about any other nondescript city. The population of Uzhhorod is about 115,000, but over 28,000 officially registered internally displaced residents have also been added to the area following Russia’s invasion.
Even a country at war has no shortage of pretty things to look at, whether it’s beautiful flowers, the nice figure of a woman, or a cherry-breasted floozy Luke took a liking to.
Speaking of beautiful, we were treated to a wedding in the middle of the street, featuring this beautiful bride and lots of happy dancing, clapping, and singing by the large crowd. It also turns out we were there just a week after Uzhhorod Day (Den Mista), which celebrated 1,133 years of the city’s history. That makes Uzhhorod one of Ukraine’s oldest cities.
For reasons based on uninformed assumptions, we originally thought this Luxor shopping center was the highlight of Uzhhorodian shopping. It was nothing special or fancy, as we assumed was befitting what we thought was probably an economically challenged city. However, it turns out that Uzhhorod is bustling, partly due to the influx of fellow Ukrainians due to the war and partly due to its distance from Russia and proximity to the EU. That said, average monthly net salaries there generally range between 18,000 and 27,000 hryvnia ($440–$650 USD), so I guess economically challenged can be viewed through different lenses.
But then we found this much fancier mall and discovered not only was it very modern, but they encouraged people to engage in carnal relations twice. You never know what weird or different little things various cultures have until you’re right in the thick of things. In any case, we really didn’t see cheap prices that reflected $440–$650 monthly incomes, so that’s puzzling unless they don’t pay any rent or something.
The English language and American companies are a prominent part of the fabric of the city, which also surprised me a little. In addition, no one seemed particularly surprised or bothered by the fact that a couple of Americans were wandering around. We talked to some of the people who confirmed that it wasn’t exactly common, but still not overly unusual to have Americans visiting. The people we talked to were friendly and enjoyable, and many spoke English very well. I did make friends with a charming woman manning (womanning?) a gift shop. She didn’t speak English, but she spoke some Spanish, which I could understand some of due to my knowledge of Portuguese, as limited as that may be. She said she had actually been contemplating moving to Portugal, and one thing led to another and we exchanged phone numbers. She actually helped us find a few things as we texted back and forth once we went back out into the city. I was well aware I might’ve been viewed by her as an American “savior” that might be able to help her get out of the country, who knows. But she was very nice nonetheless and I enjoyed the interactions, and maybe she was just being a nice person. Anyway, we have a date next Thursday. Okay, that’s a lie. At least I’m fessing up immediately.
I was very surprised to run across at least five separate businesses featuring an Apple logo. I took note not only because my main career was that of an Apple retailer, but also because Apple is a premium brand and I wouldn’t have thought Ukraine would be all that big of a market for them, especially with the average incomes I just quoted. But for whatever reason, it appears that Apple has made solid inroads into the Ukrainian market. Who woulda thunk?
Otherwise, we just wandered about this currently-peaceful city among people who gave us no mind. I think because we were so focused on not knowing what we’d encounter there due to the war, we didn’t do much prior research as to sightseeing, etc. They have a castle that has been turned into a museum, but we stuck to just wandering the streets and into some of the stores for a few hours. Our limited “time budget” was also because we still had a four hour drive to Budapest ahead of us, and I remembered when I had a night flight into Budapest previously that the surrounding countryside of that city was as black as an 8-ball, so I wanted a little bit of daylight before the curtain dropped. We also knew the border crossing could take some time.
The Uzh River flows through the city and also helped give the city its name. The Uzh River embankments are among the most popular places for walks, but we just mostly crossed the bridge. I learned later that Uzhhorod is home to a famous linden tree-lined avenue. It runs along the riverfront and is considered one of the longest in Ukraine, stretching approximately 2.2 kilometers.
I also learned afterwards that Uzhhorod has a very diverse architectural landscape. They have the aforementioned ancient castle, religious buildings, structures from the Austro-Hungarian era, modernist architecture, and contemporary urban spaces. It was only in researching for this blog that I read that even a short walk through the city center turns into “a unique journey through various historical eras.” I’m sorry to say we were kind of oblivious to that and just took pictures to commemorate and ponder everything later.
I’m not sure if I took this picture to commemorate the nice feminine behind or the storefront, but you can look at whatever you want. Honestly, I wasn’t really trying to take photos of nice figured ladies, it’s not my fault if they kept running into the frame.
Due to the Russians gassing the area with dog poison –because Russians famously hate dogs– there were dog carcasses strewn about everywhere. I asked someone what day of the week they picked up dead dogs, but I only got a strange look in response. Okay, I promised I wouldn’t keep making up things but damn that’s hard to do for me. I’m pretty sure the dogs were just sleeping, but I still found it a little odd and even kinda cute.
We had a delicious lunch where I enjoyed a taste of Ukranian cuisine and Luke ordered a hamburger because he’s a dork. But he also had this gigantic raspberry, I presume it was that big because we were in the same country as Chernobyl. As to the bottle cap picture, after living in Europe for ten years I’ve grown so used to the plastic caps being attached to the soda bottles that when I encountered this American-style loose cap, I became rather flummoxed.
As for shopping, we found that, perhaps predictably, vodka at the duty-free shop at the border was only €2.30 a bottle. Luke scored a nice military-style backpack with a Ukrainian flag prominently displayed. And I bought this shirt with a Ukranian logo from an Adidas store. The thing about that is that the pricetag says 4,999 hryvnia, which is about $110 or €97.76, but my credit card ended up with a €195.43 charge on it, pretty much exactly double. So I don’t know if they accidentally charged me twice, or intentionally ripped me off, but by the time I looked at it we were a ways from the store, and I ended up shrugging over it because part of our mission there was to support Ukraine and leave a little of our money there to help. I didn’t like that an Adidas store became one of our donation points, but then again I guess it will help pay for local employee’s salaries. Besides, it’s not often I get to walk around in a $200 shirt.
It came time to bid adieu to this charming Ukrainian city, and since cell service was fine when we were away from the border, we ordered a Bolt and were driven right to the border crossing, which was only about 10-15 minutes away and cost me only $3.80
This old USAID sign was obviously placed before Trump shut down the entire program on July 1, 2025, because apparently to Trump the main point of being wealthy is to make sure you keep as much as possible of what you have and avoid giving those less fortunate any of it.
We had discovered that Ukraine doesn’t seem to have much of a problem letting you in, but it seems Slovakia isn’t all that keen on having you back. The line of cars waiting to leave had to endure a 4-5 hour wait as the authorities went through every nook and cranny in each car. The line of departing pedestrians wasn’t all that long, but we waited, and waited, and waited, and finally after about three hours someone got back from lunch and herded us through airline-type security checkpoints.
In the end, despite the wait and some of the other issues, we were delighted to have visited and supported Ukraine. While there were the aforementioned Russian attacks six months previous, we felt completely safe. Other than the border waits, it wasn’t all that much different from visiting any other country. I regard it as one of the highlights of our entire trip, not because it was anything spectacular, but because I really had no idea what to expect and it’s not something many people would have considered doing, so it feels a little like mission accomplished. That said, it continues to break my heart that people who just want to live their lives and go about their business have to endure the insanity of war for no good reason.
If I had to do it all over again, I might’ve even considered renting a hotel room for a night, just so we could’ve spent more time understanding the culture and area, researched more about things to see and do, as well as injected just a little more financial support. But I’m glad we visited, and I’d happily do it again… while still staying as far away from the Russian border as possible. I’m not stupid.
Mostly.
(Scroll down to see previous entries.
