Tag: russia

Posted on

What the Helsinki am I doing in Finland?

After visiting every other Nordic country –and being impressed by each one of them– I knew I couldn’t leave out Finland because I really didn’t want to hurt its feelings. Besides, Finland is routinely rated as the happiest country in the world, so I hoped to find out what that was all about.

Turns out there are kiosks that give out free donuts on nearly every street corner, almost everyone gives random hugs to strangers, and unicorns gaily prance around town while pooping delicious flavors of unicorn yogurt.

No wonder they’re so happy.

Okay, I may have exaggerated a couple or all of those, but what I did find was a very pleasant city, and like every Nordic city I’ve been to, absolutely spotless with no litter or graffiti or bloody corpses on the street. It has a population similar in size to Oklahoma City or Denver, with just about 700,000 people living in the city itself, and 1.6 million in the metropolitan area. But somehow it feels smaller than Denver, at least in the downtown area, where I was able to walk throughout most of it without suffering from exhaustion. Although I’ll admit that traveling alone allowed me to take a nap whenever the hell I wanted anyway.

Helsinki (pronounced Helsinki) is right on the gulf of Finland, which connects to the Baltic Sea. It has a “warm” season that lasts for about 3 months, from June to early September, with an average daily high temperature of a roasting 16.6 degrees celsius (62°F), although in July the massive heat waves can break Finnish thermometers when they reach a hellish 21 degrees celsius (70°F).

I took a boat tour around the harbor, but to be honest it wasn’t overly exciting. Since it was a “Hop on Hop off” boat tour, I assumed we’d be hopping off occasionally to see one site or another, but alas, it just puttered around the harbor with a loudspeaker describing some of the history and the buildings. I got just as much enjoyment out of chatting with two ladies from Washington DC for much of the voyage.

The port area where I boarded the ship was pleasant and, again, very clean. But there weren’t many real old and historical buildings that I could see in the city, especially compared to most of the other European cities I’ve visited. Helsinki isn’t a city built on tourism, which actually made it nice to get around; nothing was overly crowded.

Of course I had to get a sample from the food kiosks at the harbor, and when I saw a kiosk that had reindeer hot dogs, well, I just couldn’t resist taking a bit out of ol’ Rudolph. It wasn’t too bad, but I have to say that pigs make a better hot dog. Fat Pete might be tasty too, I dunno.

So I mostly just wandered around, not taking as many photographs as usual just because Helsinki is more of a collectively nice place, without many must-see monuments or historical buildings. Overall it’s a very hospitable place; I daresay it might be one of the most pleasant, calm, and safe cities I’ve ever been to.

One of the popular tourist sites is the Temppeliaukio Church (pronounced Temp— oh, forget it). It’s also known as the Church of the Rock for some reason.

The church appeared to be closed, so I snuck in through a service door and snapped this photo before I was kicked out. At least I was able to uncover the mystery as to why they call it Church of the Rock. That huge threatening statue with those enormous muscles and sexy black under/outerwear nearly made me want to get all prostrated. You da man Dwayne!

Another popular tourist site is the Sibelius Monument, which looks a bit like a bunch of metal wasps made a nest, or maybe a huge pipe organ that got scrunched in a compacter. (I wasn’t unhappy while taking that selfie, by the way, I was just trying to imitate the expression of that silver bust, who apparently didn’t like the artwork.)The material of the work is acid-resistant steel and it is 8.5m high; with a length of 10.5m and a depth of 6.5m. There are over 600 pipes, and the whole thing weighs 24 tons (I’m not sure if anyone has ever picked it up to double check that, but I’ll take their word for it).

The Finns seem to like squared-off architecture, to me it looks like something from a 1920’s-era sci-fi movie depicting what it might be like in the distant future. In 1939, Finland fought the USSR in what is called the Winter War, which was eventually won by the Soviets, causing Finland to align with Nazi Germany as a sort of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” deal. Eventually the Soviets were cast out of Finland by the League of Nations (not sure why the current United Nations doesn’t wield that same power), but Russia was allowed to keep over 12% of what was formerly Finland. I’m guessing Ukraine may end up with a similar experience. For decades after the war, the pragmatic Finns did their best to keep the Soviets relatively happy with them, knowing that the Russians were sons of bitches and might invade again under any pretext. I guess they haven’t changed at all. But after the Cold War, in 1995, Finland became a member of the European Union. In 2023, following the Russian invasion of Ukraine, Finland joined NATO. It’s now one of the EU’s most important buffers against Russia’s age-old aggressive tendencies. Damn Ruskies. You’ve already got the largest country by area in the world, in fact, almost double that of the second largest, Canada. So what the hell’s wrong with you?

I never thought I’d say this about any city, but one of my favorite places to visit was the public library. It was impressive enough from the outside, but once I got inside, I couldn’t stop smiling at the way the Finns use their public spaces for the betterment of all of their citizens.

Right outside the library were courts for soccer and basketball, with a decided emphasis on everyone being welcome, confirmed by signs pointing out that bullying and discrimination were not allowed. I watched a mixture of players good and bad, all playing together with good humor and sportsmanship. It was downright heartwarming to watch.

They also had a band playing, adding to the festive atmosphere. The fact that they kinda sucked made it all the more quaint.

Once inside, the library had multiple floors with all sorts of things to do, from renting guitars to a line of sewing machines to computers to game rooms and more. I think they even had books somewhere. Lots of people lounged while reading or studying, I honestly couldn’t help having the cockles of my heart all warmed up as I took in the utopia-esque feel of the whole thing.

On the top floor there were indeed plenty of books as well as a cafe, and a balcony where you could watch the games and gaze out upon the beautiful city. I think my stupid little grin kinda fit right in with the ever-happy Finns.

As with all the Nordic countries, most of the time the Finns led with their native language when speaking to me, but as soon as I opened my mouth they would immediately switch to perfect English.

One way they keep the sidewalks clean is by using cleaning robots, which wander the streeets sucking up whatever detritus they can find. In a lot of countries I think that little guy would get stolen in a heartbeat, but apparently not in Finland.

Originally, I was a bit apprehensive about traveling alone, since I’ve always enjoyed sharing the travel experience with another person. But it turns out that I had a great time anyway. I mean, I could do what I wanted when I wanted, including even trying out a movie theatre. And check out that monster row of candies! The whole multiplex was quite an impressive set-up. One of the other benefits of traveling alone is you can do really stupid things and no one knows. When the movie started, it began with an animated short, which I thought was cute, kind of like they used to do in the United States when Bugs Bunny cartoons ran before the films. But this particular short kept going on a bit longer than I expected. After a while, I realized that it warn’t no short; somehow I’d ended up in the wrong damn theatre. Since I was knee-deep into the film already, I decided just to stay and watch the whole thing. It was actually reasonably entertaining despite being a movie I surely would’ve never seen otherwise. The next night I tried to do it again and successfully entered the correct theatre. Such is the fun and excitement you can get from doing even mundane things in another country!

They even brought a little bit of Portugal to Helsinki. In Portuguese, “fazer” means “to do” or “to make” (among other things, it’s a very common verb used for just about everything it seems, apparently even fazering it’s way into Finland). And I thought that was quite the limo just for taking people to see rocks and crystals. What? Oh. Maybe not. While I figure it all out, I’ll keep you abreast of any developments.

No trip I make to a foreign city would be complete without a collection of funny signs. From left to right, they get right to the point with the beer sign, that’s pretty much all that needs to be said. I was really tempted to go into the MyFlow store because at my age, flow is always a concern and I thought maybe they could help. Truthfully, I have no idea what they were actually selling. And in fact on the next sign I’m also not sure whether they’re promoting crack or tacos. Either way, they’re saying crack is a good thing? And lastly, I couldn’t help but be amused at the “secondhand vintage coffee” sign. Like, it was pre-drunk? Or worse? And all those lips on that pink background makes it look like a sex shop. Who knows, maybe secondhand lunch is some sort of sexplay for some Finns? Still, I don’t think I’ll ever be up for a reloved lunch.

When it was time to leave that fair city, I took a train by my own big boy self to the airport. I’m far from being a master of public transportation, so it was with a small sigh of relief when I actually arrived at the correct airport with plenty of time to spare.

As I gazed out upon the landscape during the ride I realized that if I had to do it all over again, I would rent a car and explore the gorgeous forests and other scenery outside of Helsinki. Helsinki really doesn’t need much more than a few days to see most of the things worth seeing, but I have a feeling the true gem of Finland is all the nature surrounding it. I doubt I’ll go back just to see that, but I’m very happy that I was able to add Finland to my list of visited countries.

As to their #1 happiness ranking, while visiting, I could understand why the Finnish people are so content. The government is designed to take care of all its citizens, maybe as epitomized by that awesome library. Additionally, their culture fosters a deep connection to nature, characterized by egalitarianism, honesty, and self-sufficiency.

I even noticed that many people walking the sidewalks, even alone, often had just a small hint of a smile on their lips. I have to think maybe they just don’t have the usual undercurrent of stress I see in the hubbub of other cities. They don’t have to worry about huge medical bills if something goes wrong with their health, and they’re less worried about the future since Finland takes good care of its elderly through a public system that provides a wide range of services based on individual needs, with the goal of enabling older people to live at home for as long as possible. They even have a family foster care program, where an older person lives with a foster family in a more home-like environment!

My takeway is that Finland focuses on being kind and helpful as a country, and that’s largely what makes them a happy people. In a world full of rage and extremist opinions, it’s nice to know there is an oasis of a country out there that prioritizes basic kindness and concern for all its citizens. Actually all the Nordic countries do a good job with that. Is it the cold, or maybe the long winters that do it? If that were the case, Russia would be a helluva lot nicer than it is.

Ultimately, it’d be truly marvelous to hear a little more kindness coming out of all politicians’ mouths nowadays, you know?

OK, I’m Finnished.

(Scroll down to see previous entries.)

Posted on

The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!

If you haven’t seen The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming, I encourage you to give it a watch. It’s a madcap comedy from 1966 that, thanks to Putin’s illegal and disgusting invasion of Ukraine, has almost as much political relevance today as it did when it was released.

The plot involves a Russian submarine accidentally running aground on US soil, resulting in misunderstandings and a bit of mayhem. In my case I was planning to very un-accidentally land in Russia and intentionally create a little mayhem with my fellow spies Jim and Joe in order to straighten out that Putiny nincompoop once and for all.

My first order of business was to create a disguise. As you can see here, I transformed myself into a Russian military officer; officially, Polkovnik (which means “Colonel”) Boris Gleb of the Russian Armed Forces. Combined with the ever-blooming beard I grew for the Norwegian cold, you can see that I was barely recognizable. Yes, that’s really me! Also, I thanked my lucky stars that I took that nine week elective Russian language course in the 7th grade. At the time I had no idea that I’d have to remember all of it 50 years later just so I could sneak into Russia and give Putin a spanking he’d never forget.

The first sign we encountered quickened my pulse, because I knew I wasn’t going to follow any of their stinkin’ rules. I looked for separate signs that would specifically cover the rules for spies, but since there were none, I got the message loud and clear: bring it on dude.

Oh I’ll be so bringin’ it on, Mr. Dude-tin, so much so that even your ears’ll be bringing, or um, ringing. Yeah, you, Mr. Pute-butt, Mr. Stupid Invasioner guy with a turdy face and bad breath! I’m coming for you, you Stalin-lovin’ pile of unwashed socks! And I’ll make my wife fart in your general direction while I do! Plus, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

The tour actually took us to two different border crossings, which was a big help in terms of how I was going to sneak in. With two crossings to watch, that means Russia would have only half the manpower at each. My confidence grew! I scoffed at the “It is illegal to cross the border” threats. By the way, do you know what the difference between unlawful and illegal is? Unlawful is when something is against the statutes passed by the governing body of the terrority, and illegal is just a sick bird. And no sick bird was gonna keep me from my mission! Polkovnik Boris Gleb was on his way!

These are the official border markers. What I wanted to know is who actually owns the land between the markers. The border between Norway and Russia is just under 200 kilometers long. I’d say there’s about a two meter separation between those posts. Meaning that there are 400 total kilometers of land that essentially no one’s claiming. Accordingly, before I left, I had the green sign produced and declared the strip of land Andersonvilletonland, a free nation. Sure, maybe it has no residents to speak of, but we do have a couple of very handsome reindeer, a can-do attitude, yellow snow exports, and designs on constructing our own nuclear arsenal, at least as soon as Amazon.nk delivers the do-it-yourself nuclear bomb kit I ordered.

Long live Andersonvilletonland! I’m working on an anthem as we speak.

This is the main border crossing. If it looks somewhat abandoned, it may have something to do with a little thing called genocide currently being committed by Ptooey-tin. Despite that, Russia and Norway did reach an agreement to allow certain crossings of the border, by fishermen and families, for instance. But Norway did tell Russia in no uncertain terms that if they drive up in an old pick-up with a nuclear missile strapped to the bed and a fuse dangling from the back with Wile E. Coyote holding a match nearby, they will be very annoyed, and will place an immediate call to the CEO of Acme.

I had Tim and Susan pose for some pictures in order to distract the Russian surveillance team. I knew that watch tower on the hill was tracking our every move, but there’s no way they could see anything else except that yellow coat when looking through their viewfinders. In the tradecraft, we call that Yellow-Coat-Blindness. Yes, it’s a thing. Look it up. Page 231, second paragraph down, smack dab in the CIA Spy Handbook, actually written by Jim and Joe themselves!

I saw nothing in these rules that said anything about my fellow spies Jim and Joe or impersonating a military officer, so the plan was getting nothing but green lights at this point.

I know these photos may look like boring pictures of just a sign and scenery, but due to my extensive CIA training, I am actually in each photo. Believe it or don’t! I planned to use my stealth skills to tiptoe, as Elmer Fudd used to say, “evah so quietry,” across the border where I’d then find a turbo-charged Lada Granta sedan filled with weapons, leather spanking paddles, and a bribery cache consisting of ten cases of Reese’s Pieces, fifty vodka-infused peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and twelve dozen “The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming” DVDs. Young Russian men never seem to look past the titles.

But remember when I said my alias was Polkovnik Boris Gleb? As you can see below, I was astonished to discover that somehow, some way, Russia was on to me:

Because here on the fence they had posted an obvious warning, essentially saying, “Boris Gleb, we know who and where you are.” I was absolutely gobsmacked.

This is how I look when I’m gobsmacked. It ain’t pretty.

So, I sent Jim and Joe off without me. Honestly, I was a little relieved in that now I could finish up the cruise without having to dodge shoulder-mounted missiles on a motorcycle as I zoom through the streets of Moscow while going down multiple staircases and driving through middle eastern spice markets and then race around and around the top of several Russian onion domes while being responsible for at least a dozen separate car crashes as I dodge something like 50,000 bullets and slightly muss up the little hair I have left in the process. They say movies are just, y’know, all Hollywood, but they’re hiding everything in plain sight I tell you. Anyway, I can’t describe what Jim and Joe actually did because the CIA would put a bullet in my brain, and worse, refuse to take it back out.

We ended the tour with a visit to a small gift shop being patrolled by this fearsome guard dog. The truth is that he was actually starved for affection, so I spent the next fifteen minutes petting him and rubbing his belly and otherwise just being totally smitten with this overabundance of cuteness.

The gift shop was literally just as big as you see here, just one small room filled to the brim with souvenirs and Russian things made in China.

My two favorite items were these Commemorative Dictator Mugs and their companion look-alike figurines. Carolyn thought I Photoshopped the mugs, but no, this is what they were actually offering. Russia may be the only other country in the world where a significant percentage of the population actually likes Donald Trump.

As we left the border area, we snapped these final scenic pictures. While Carolyn and I had some discussions about possibly visiting Russia before they invaded Ukraine, this clearly is the closest we’re ever going to get to it now. I will say I got a small kick out of my iPhone automatically switching to Russian time when I got close enough to the border, which was I think two hours different than Norwegian time. So at least I can say I was close enough to Russia to have my clock switch to their time. I hope I didn’t get infected with some sort of KGB virus.

The final chapter of the Jim and Joe saga is this: when my two sons were young, I used to tell them a bedtime story pretty much every night. My two main characters were Jim and Joe, who were both fellow spies and a sort of comedy duo. I started a good many of the tales with an intro of Jim saying to Joe, “What do you want to do?” And Joe replies, “I don’t know what do you want to do?” And Jim replies, “I don’t know what do you want to do?” And Joe replies, “I don’t know– now cut that out!” I stole that from a cartoon, but the boys always seemed to get a kick out of it, even after the 500th time. (The truth is that I used that intro line to try and delay things while I came up with a story. Sometimes the back and forth “what-do-you-want-to-do’s” hit the double digits as I wracked my brain for a new adventure.)

After hundreds of adventure/spy stories, I really began to struggle to come up with new exploits, and of course as most childhood things do, the stories eventually drifted away into oblivion. Until I discovered that my oldest son has actually been telling his son his own version of the Jim and Joe stories. I was flattered and touched, but also amazed that this tiny legacy I thought had all but been forgotten has actually been passed down to my grandson, and perhaps even beyond. So if in the year 2086 a new hit TV series about the adventures of Jim and Joe hits it big, you’ll know where it all started. And I want my descendents to get royalties!

And so we left Russia to the Russians and returned to our lovely ship for the return voyage.

And here are nine more views from the ship to wrap this entry up:

(Scroll down to see previous entries.)