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A Day Trip Mostly for the Statistical Accumulation of Countries Visited

Well that’s a rousing title, eh? Just makes you want to dig right in, right? So great, now I’m gonna have to be really entertaining just to keep you from nodding off and dipping your nose into your coffee. Who comes up with these stupid titles anyway?

So did you hear the one about… no, just kiddin’. I like my written humor to be subtle so you almost don’t notice it, because even if it isn’t there I can claim you just didn’t notice it. In any case, my son, grandson, and I decided to drive a loop from Stuttgart to Switzerland to Liechtenstein to Austria and back again. Four countries in one day is nothing to sneeze at, even if they lacked any kind of gotcha moment or monument or monofilament… or monoblob, which actually is a thing.

Zurich

The only thing I really knew about Zurich was that they zur ar rich there. “Ge neva get better jokes,” he said. We thought about going to Geneva, but figured there’d too many conventions, because I guess they’re famous for conventions. In any case, none of us had ever been to the land of the Swiss, but as we expected, it was full of holes. I know, another cheesy joke. They’ll get better, I hope.

And by holes, I mean things like this neverending tunnel. Truly. I mean, we watched the entire movie, The Neverending Story, while driving through that tunnel. Masi started growing beard hair while we drove through that tunnel. One of my body parts fell off my aging body while we drove through that tunnel and I never could find it. I asked the car rental company to send it to me if they ran across it, but I haven’t heard back from them yet.

After we finally made it to Zurich, I overheard an American tourist couple, who, after seeing Masi, looked down at their map of Europe quizzically. Then she whacked her husband on the shoulder while saying, “I told you to take a left, now we’re in Portugal you idiot!” It was then that I really appreciated my single status. Plus now I figure it’s a good time to use this beer photo.

So Zurich is a nice city; but we were there on a Sunday which meant it was fairly quiet and many of the shops were closed. That didn’t bother us because, well, you know, we’re all males. Apparently there are a bunch of museums and galleries too, but we didn’t actually know if they were open on Sunday because we were there just to step foot in another country, and that’s pretty much it. It’s easy to achieve your goals if you don’t set them too high.

Zurich is Switzerland’s largest city, and is a hub for all the major transportation systems. Both the Zurich Airport and Zurich’s main railway station are the largest and busiest in the country.

Not only that, but they have the largest pink T-shirt with the number 9 on it inside a train station… get this… in the world. I looked for a Guiness World Record plaque for same, but Guiness must’ve been too busy measuring the longest distance pulled by a horse while on fire. And I’m honestly not making that up. They also have one for the farthest toss of a washing machine (also 100% true), probably set by a guy who told his wife they didn’t need to call a repairman, and eight hours and two feet of water later, the washing machine was seen hurtling through the air.

Zurich has been permanently settled for over 2,000 years, or almost the combined age of the last two US presidents. The Swiss speak German, although there are lots of Swiss dialects, and boy, those are the ones that really confuse me. Well, besides the German.

Despite its neutrality, Zurich was accidentally bombed during World War II, and there were some dogfights as well. With planes, not dogs. There was some suspicion from the Swiss side that the Allies “accidentally” bombed Switzerland to cajole them into stopping their relationship with the Germans, but somehow bombing never seems to cajole anything. Kaboom maybe, but not cajole.

Here again in the main train terminal, I thought this was interesting in that Americans say, “Gesundheit” when someone sneezes, which I think in German means, “your snot is showing.” Ok, to be serious, it actually means “health,” even though in my childhood someone told me it meant, “God bless you,” which was needed because rumor had it demons could sneak into your body when you sneezed, which is why they wanted God to intervene. Which made me wonder, I’m not sure what’s worse than demons, so what exactly sneaks in when you fart?

Anyway, according to this advertisement, they really say “Sprudein vor Freude!” which may mean “Sparkling with joy.” So if you’re facing a sneezer, you’re now sparkling with all the joyous sneezy bits, and I guess their product will happily help desparkle before you become seriously de-joyed. Of course, maybe she’s not sneezing at all, but drowning. It’s hard to figure out all this different language stuff.

As you can see, Zurich is a pretty city with old buildings and lots of plus signs, since they’re really into banking. Indeed, Switzerland is chock full of powerful banks. A while ago, Zurich was ranked 9th among the “World’s 10 Most Powerful Cities,” and in the 2017 Global Financial Centres Index, Zurich was ranked as having the 11th most competitive financial center in the world, and the second most competitive in Europe after London. We voted it the best city in Switzerland we’d ever been to.

So it kinda bummed me out that we were there on a Sunday, and all the banks were closed. Because there I was, stuck with two pockets stuffed full of Euro coins ready to use to open up my first Swiss bank account. Which made me look a little bit like this woman. Okay, shut up, I’m not fat shaming, she just provided some graphical insight for my joke. If it still upsets you, well, all I can do is thiiiigh… But seriously, if she were a balloon, it’d just be a picture of a street because she’d be up in the sky dodging airliners. If she were a chicken, they’d need an entire KFC bucket for just one of the thighs. Aw, she’s actually a very pretty woman, much better looking than even the cutest chicken.

Otherwise, we spent the rest of our time making fun of their signs. Clockwise, I’m thinking fock.com is a porn site for bad spellers. Headsquarter must be a casino because I think they’re already calling heads on a flipped quarter. I took a picture with Heidi, which was the name of an old girlfriend I now wish I’d never broken up with, plus she didn’t look like that cow at all. Kalte Lust shows some spanking paddles in their logo so the rest is up to your imagination. But if you’re thinking of going through the previously mentioned door, you might consider getting your anus hair styled first. In fact, 33 euros is the best price I’ve ever seen for that.

On the way to Austria and Liechtenstein, we took a side trip off the freeway to have some lunch. Little did we know we’d encounter some of the most beautiful scenery of the whole expedition while there. These photos were taken around a little town called Amden, in Switzerland. We had lunch in one of the few places that was open, it was kinda lousy, but y’know, I can’t taste the food anymore while I can still gaze at this scenery anytime I want, so it’s all good. We went up and up a winding road without knowing where the hell we were going, but it was all worth it for these awesome views. Of course, when we came down I think we ended up in Italy, but that doesn’t count here because we’re still not sure of it.

Austria

After the whirlwind tour of Zurich, we hopped into the rental car (the change in my pockets clinking like a hundred loose screws inside a dryer) and made our way toward Austria and Liechtenstein. And just in case you don’t believe we actually entered Austria, here’s proof from our rental car, because, as we all know, AirPlay never lies.

We didn’t really give a Fuchsberg where exactly we were, we were just there for the pushpin in our “Countries We’ve Been To” map. Maybe Fuchsberg is in Italy.

But the rewards from the highway were more than gratifying. While driving through these mountains, we merrily belted out, “THE HILLS ARE ALIIIIIVE, WITH THE SOUND OF MUS–” By “we,” I mean “I,” and yeah, that’s all I could get out before Rage Against the Machine was pumped up to full volume. Sorry, Julie.

The drive through Austria, short as it was, provided beautiful vistas that might only have been more impressive had they been they covered in snow. But then we might’ve ended up with one wheel up in a ditch, cursing the snow like it was snot from a demon who had snuck into our bodies during a fart.

But truly, Austria is a country with almost as much natural beauty as Catherine Zeta Jones in Zorro, or the “most beautiful young girl in the world,” or my late wife Dolly. That’s almost. Honestly, I’d give up the memory of every view I’ve ever seen, and pretty much everything else, just to see Dolly alive again. She still makes me smile when I look at pictures of her, which is an amazing gift she left for me. Her smile could light up a room, and even the photo of one still melts me inside.

Liechtenstein

This is about all we got from Liechtenstein. After taking this picture, I looked up only to realize we’d already made it all the way across the country.

So, we returned to Stuttgart, with memories of scenery and funny signs and– okay, I’m joking, we actually took loads of pictures of Liechtenstein:

That is if you call six pictures a load, with four of them being of the same two things. We stood around downtown Schaan, Liechtenstein’s biggest “city” with about 6,000 residents, looking like the crew in Star Trek IV loitering aimlessly in San Francisco wondering what to do next. Since Liechtenstein is landlocked, we couldn’t even ask anyone if they knew where any nuclear wessels were.

Liechtenstein is Europe’s fourth-smallest country, with an area of just over 160 square km (62 square miles). To put that into perspective, Rhode Island, the US’s smallest state, is 25 times larger than Liechtenstein. In fact, Washington, D.C is about the same size as Liechtenstein. But Liechtenstein (I just like saying Liechtenstein for some reason) does boast a whopping population of about 40,000 Liechtensteiners. Liechtenstein is also one of the few countries in the world with no debt. In fact, Liechtenstein has one of the highest gross domestic products per person in the world. Maybe every country should only consist of 40,000 people. Like Liechtenstein.

As a final note, that part of Europe seems hell bent on extracting money from those with weak bladders, even to the point of selling WC (Water Closet, aka toilet, aka shitter) access cards in vending machines. They must do a booming business with the Shitter Cards because there are more of them inside that machine than anything, even counting all the M&Ms.

Since we travel on a budget, Luke figured out his own way around that system.

On the flight back, we could see some of the fires that were plaguing Portugal at the time. So here’s a genius idea: it seems like the airlines could help put out the fires by having passengers buy a bunch of drinks (they would probably be tax deductible for Americans) and convert it all to urine if there’s time, if not, just pour the leftovers down the sinks, and then fly directly over the fires and have each airliner dump their whole waste tank over the area. That’s even a very environmentally friendly plan because it would make the planes lighter, saving on fuel. Plus, it would all be colored blue so people on the ground would know who to thank.

Of course, I hope the “dump waste” button isn’t anywhere near the “dump fuel” button, but otherwise, I’ll accept the Nobel Peace Prize for this idea anytime. My plan would’ve put out 8 fires already.

(I remind myself sometimes of Michael Keaton’s character in Night Shift: “Wanna know why I carry this tape recorder? To tape things. See, I’m an idea man, Chuck. I get ideas coming at me all day. I can’t control ’em. I can’t even fight ’em if I want to. You know, ‘AHHH!’ So I say ’em in here, and that way I never forget ’em. You see what I’m sayin’? Stand back! This is Bill. Idea to eliminate garbage. Edible paper. You eat it, it’s gone! You eat it, it’s outta there! No more garbage!”)

Exit here, please. I guess twice because you can never ausfahrt just once.

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Time to castle! Check, mate!

Even as I struggle to learn Portuguese, I’m often grateful that I don’t have to learn English as a new language. Most Portuguese know at least some English, but it’s mostly spoken English. Even native English speakers have a hard time with spelling and grammar. In Portuguese, “castle” is “castelo,” pronounced just like it’s spelled. But English speakers pronounce it “cassle,” like “hassle.” Which learning a new language definitely is. Anyway, here follows our visits to two unique German schlösser (castles in German, or what happens after one too many beers).

About 60 km south of Stuttgart is a town called Hechingen, which hosts a fancy German castle called Hohenzollern Castle, named for Herr Heinrich Henzollen’s ho.

From a distance, it looks very much like a castle. But the closer you get, the more you realize it looks very much like a castle.

This is what it looks like when they invite Satan over for brunch.

This is actually the third castle to be built on this spot. The first one was built in the early 11th century. It was completely destroyed in 1423 after a ten month siege by the pesky Swabians. I bet you’ve never heard of Swabia before, have you? It’s a region in Germany, I think it’s famous for inventing Q Tips.

In 1461 they completed the second castle, which was larger and swarthier, but eventually fell into disrepair, which was apparently a hole so deep they couldn’t pull it out. So they built this third and current one between 1846 and 1867, making it one of the most modern castles on that spot.

Like most castles, it has views to die for. Here Masi takes a break from all the sightseeing to enjoy the scenery. He lost his forearms in a horrific reaping accident, but we tried not to talk about it too much, especially when he attempted to count to eleven (he still has ten toes, but after that, he got a bit lost).

Fortunately for us, Hohenzollern Castle is renown for its healing properties, including miraculous limb regeneration. Unfortunately, he now has seven fingers and three thumbs, but at least he can count to ten now.

The last words of many a young soldier: “Is this thing load—“

It’s much safer to stand in front of swords as long as they’re affixed properly. The castle staff kindly set out a table for our lunch, but we’re kinda snobbish and just thought the whole thing was a bit pedestrian. I mean, c’mon, only three forks? Pssh. What do they think we are, peasants?

On the right is evidence that the olden Germans had some weird growth hormones in their beer. If you zoom in on the dates on this statue, it says Friedrich Wilhelm was born in 1786 but died in 1797, so this guy was only eleven years old when he posed for that statue! Hmm, I wonder how old Hitler really was… he did act like a toddler sometimes.

I wonder if men in untucked shirts and baseball caps would have had the same fearsome effect on any attackers.

In the end, my two handsome boys enjoyed the visit and even managed to hold those smiles for the fifteen or twenty seconds it took for me to figure out why the photo button on my iPhone wasn’t working. Ah, turn it over, dummy.

Next on the castle-y tour was Heidelberg Castle, perhaps named after someone named Delberg to whom everyone said “hi.”

Actually, the name Heidelberg is derived from the German words meaning heath and mountain, apparently because it was unwooded at the time so the Germans just sat on the hill eating Heath bars. Perhaps the trees knew what they were doing by staying away because the castle has been struck by lightning at least twice. The first castle structure was built before 1214 and was later expanded into two castles, but in 1537, a lightning bolt destroyed the upper castle. Then in 1764 another lightning bolt caused a fire which destroyed some of the rebuilt sections. Whoa! Someone up there wasn’t happy with those castles!

The castle has only been partially rebuilt, with some of it still in ruins. I thought the inside was just as interesting as the outside, although outside some of the buildings were impressive.

Like most castles, the views are spectacular, overlooking the city of Heidelberg. The city was largely spared bombing by the allies in WWII mostly due to its lack of strategic importance, and was occupied by the Americans at the end of the war. They of course also brought with them new McDonald’s and Burger King franchises, which resulted in the average Heidelbergian gaining about 10 kg (22 lbs.) during the first year of occupation.

Inside the castle they demonstrated their pharmaceutical prowess of yore in the Apothecary Museum. The jar on the right held just enough pills to get through the day if you had a headache.

On the left is either a beer-making machine, a pill-making machine, or, based on the picture to the far right, some sort of auto-erotic device. Yeah, you go first. In all the top pharmacies back then, opium was an important medication for things like headaches, concerns about where pimples might happen, and when you otherwise felt fine and wanted to party. I can only speculate on what they did with the container on the right. Google Translate had no idea what “pichurim” is, so I can only guess it was something so nasty they decided to just banish the entire concept, but this appropriately shaped container seems to have survived the whitewash. I’m hoping that dish isn’t filled with expired testicles removed after too many nights of auto-erotic machines and opium. That would be nuts.

Someone once told me that Germans like beer. This gigantic beer barrel is all the proof one needs. Unfortunately, Masi figured out a way to tap into it and had downed a number of mouthfuls before we could get to him.

After a last look at this interesting castle, we rode the funicular down to old town Heidelberg.

Old Town Heidelberg is very cute with some great old buildings (again, spared during WWII), and a fair amount of tourists (mostly made after WWII). We had a nice German lunch at an Italian restaurant, er– was it a nice Italian lunch at a German restaurant? …and otherwise enjoyed walking around the area.

The Germans seem a bit obsessed with bodily functions. Fortunately, no matter how much explosive diarrhea we had, it was always easy to find a sign pointing the way to go.

We settled in for the two hour drive– er, check that, I don’t know how many hours it took us because we encountered more than our fair share of jammed-up freeways as we made our way around the country.

Occasionally we would break out of the traffic jams and find a place to stop and see something interesting, in this case the Rhine Falls, known as the largest waterfall in Europe by average flow rate (the falls are actually in Switzerland, but I had some extra room). To be candid, it didn’t really seem all that impressive to us. Europe seems to be a little light on the waterfall flow rate department if this is the best they’ve got. The Rhine Falls are just the 23rd largest by flow rate in the world. Many Oregonians might be surprised to learn that the Willamette Falls in Oregon City is even more powerful, ranking 17th in the world, and no one there pays it much mind. There’s a small viewpoint on a busy highway where you will occasionally see a car stopped to view them. I guess everything is a little more exotic when it’s in a foreign country.

Ah, but they do have something the Americans don’t have, the need to speak multiple languages. In the gift shop they put up these little flags to show what they can speak on any given day. I tried some Swahili on them but was met with a blank stare, like I usually get when I speak Portuguese to a Portuguese.

A good percentage of Europeans are proficient at English. Except here I’m not sure who Off is, but I think it’s a little presumptuous of them to provide a suggestion like that. Does Off even know about this? Oh well, at least they care enough to offer some guidance, but a little more information would have been appreciated.

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Germany, where my grandson had a liter taste of adulthood.

This was the summer of the long family (and very welcomed) visit. My son Luke and my grandson Masi came to stay with me for about six weeks, which was a great help in alleviating some of my occasional loneliness. His wife Brooke was only able to make it for the last two weeks due to work obligations. We mostly spent the first part of the visit just hanging out at home and seeing a few more of the sights around the area, but we also booked a trip to Stuttgart, Germany. Luke wanted to see Germany, but he didn’t want to go to a big city, so Stuttgart filled the bill. Plus, the name “Stuttgart” comes from the Old High German term “Stuotgarten,” meaning “stud garden” or “stud farm.” Since we’re three generations of studs, Stuttgart seemed like a perfect fit. And no, I didn’t even make any of that up.

I mean, that’s three generations of studliness right there.

I took them on a tour of one of my regular walking routes; it’s hard to beat that scenery. We also found a bee farm. Since Luke & Brooke have been beekeepers in the past, they enjoyed seeing how the Portuguese do it. On a related note, I once asked my Portuguese teacher if couples ever called each other “mel,” because “mel” means “honey” in Portuguese. It’s only a three letter word, but no matter how I said it, she couldn’t understand what I was asking, I think mostly because it had no context and my accent probably made it sound like “mal,” which means “bad” …like my Portuguese. Anyway, after sorting out the question, she said “nâo,” which means “no” but rhymes with cow, and you have to plug your nose when you say it.

We walked all around Lisbon, and watched in amazement as a tower grew out of Luke’s head. We had to pry it off before he could get back in the car; it’s a good thing I had a crowbar in the trunk.

I had a brief conversation with Cristiano Ronaldo, but he declined to reveal what kind of underwear he wears. In fact, he seemed a little annoyed at the exchange, he just crossed his arms and stood still, staring at me.

That’s Troia in the background in the middle picture, an upscale resort just a short ferry ride from Setúbal. And Praça do Comércio is a must-stop for anyone who needs to stop when they get musty.

We also visited the World War II-era cannons I’d discovered with my good friend Per a while back. It was such an unexpected sight since Portugal was neutral during that war. Masi also learned that the Portuguese use many of the same swear words that Americans use. I don’t think they use “doggonit” or “shucks” though. And boy howdy, I can now say I’ve stared down the barrel of a gun and didn’t even flinch.

So off we went to Stuttgart via Lufthansa with these promotional-catalog-quality photos. That’s me playing the grumpy old man in the background. Do you suppose I could make a career out of that?

Later on they conked out, only to be jolted awake when I started screaming, “Oh my God, we’re going to crash!” I told the police at the gate that I have Alzheimers, so I barely got arrested.

Stuttgart is a nice enough city, but other than some museums, there wasn’t a ton to see there. According to TripAdvisor, the two top things to do there are The Mercedes Benz museum and the Porsche museum. Luke’s a car guy, but he knew Masi and I would enjoy either about as much as a hair follicle museum, so we basically used Stuttgart as a launching pad for a multitude of other cities and countries. Besides, we weren’t in the market for any studs from their numerous stud farms.

Both Luke and Masi are pretty strict rule followers, just like most Germans, so if the Germans want us to be gross, by gum we’ll be gross!

Exploring the wonders of science and technology at the Deutsches Museum in Munich.
A modern museum interior showcasing various military aircraft and missiles with visitors exploring the exhibits.
Exploring the Deutches Museum in Munich, showcasing impressive aircraft and military technology.
An exhibit featuring a space suit alongside a model of the vehicle it was designed for, showcasing the intricate design and technology of space exploration.
Exploring a high-tech space module at the Deutches Museum in Munich, showcasing the wonders of science and technology.
Inside the Deutches Museum in Munich, showcasing a fascinating collection of aircraft and aviation history.
A playful selfie taken from below a unique architectural feature, showcasing a spiraling structure above.
Exploring the Deutches Museum in Munich, featuring impressive aircraft and technology exhibits.

One of our expeditions from Stuttgart was to visit the Deutches Museum in Munich, which is the largest museum of science and technology in the world. Here are just 7 of the 1,823 or so pictures we took, I doubt anyone wants to see a bunch of museum pictures so I didn’t include any more than that here. But I did experiment with an AI feature for the first time by asking AI to provide captions. It did a serviceable job, if a little repetitious, but I couldn’t get it to tell any jokes. You’ll always be able to tell that Bald Sasquatch wasn’t written by AI because of all the alternative facts and other nonsense that somehow worm their way in, especially if I’m writing after a day of snorting mushrooms. Perhaps humor will be the only way we can distinguish between what’s human and what’s computer in the future! Dad jokes may save humanity!

For example, AI will probably never understand why any of these pictures are humorous. I love the store name “Item Shop.” I suppose if you asked them what they are selling, they’d only need to reply, “items,” even if they have something dropped off by “I don’t give a Fuchs Transporte.” And I cracked up at what people did to the chewing gum sign. Even though not all of them were fresh, many of them still tasted fine.

Driving on the Autobahn was fun for Luke, I think 190 km/hr (118 MPH) was about as fast as he went, but he probably went faster when I wasn’t looking or after the G forces made me pass out. I took the photo on the right simply to compliment the Germans (they love it when I compliment them) for their consideration and insight. Near the entrance in a large underground parking lot are these parking spaces with a sign indicating that they’re for women drivers only. Since women generally have to be hyper aware of their surroundings at all times, it’s a thoughtful thing to allow them to have a close place to park instead of wandering around a gloomy dimly-lit underground floor where rapists, neo-Nazis, or Ted Bundies might be lurking around every corner. The next thing we need to do is make sure women have double the public toilet capacity; I feel so sorry for them when I walk past a line of about 50 females and am able to stroll right into the men’s room. I think we need more female architects.

We had an authentic German meal at an authentic German restaurant (“Is this an authentic German restaurant?” I asked). But later Masi was a bit confused as to why a trash can needed a solar panel. I have to admit I didn’t have a good answer for him, but if he wanted to stick his hand in the slot to find out, that was his business.

We started Masi down the road to alcoholism by letting him imbibe his first (or so he says) beer while in Munich. As long as you’re with an adult, anyone aged 14 and up can legally enjoy a beer at a restaurant in Germany. We did kinda cheat since he was only 13, so we penciled a mustache on him, but damn if the kid didn’t down the whole glass, even wiping the foam off his fake mustache with the back of his hand at the end (of course, the mustache came off too, but the beer was already gone at that point). But truly, I think it’s kinda cool that Masi will always be able to say he had his first beer in Munich, Germany, with his dad and granddad. That’s something I hope he always remembers. I won’t, because I wasn’t driving and so had eight of them. Or ten, or something. I can beerly remember anything anymore, even without alcohol.

I should mention here that Germany has significantly higher per capita alcohol consumption than the U.S., but lower rates of alcoholism and alcohol-related health issues. Simply put, the German approach to beer works better than trying to keep anyone under 21 from having any.

I will say that it was a good way to keep him quiet on the drive home!

Luke was on a different-beer-a-day regímen at the restaurant across from our apartment. When in Germany, you gotsta have lotsa beer, I think it’s a law there.

Anyway, we had a good time during this portion of the trip. More cities and countries to come! But probably no more beer, I still have a headache.

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Munchin’ on Some Germy Things

The last part of our Eastern European tour finished up in München, Germany’s third largest city. Since we were arriving in October, we expected Octoberfest to be in full swing. We looked forward to things like guzzling beer straight from drinking fountains, free steins of foamy brews being offered to us as we staggered around town, and seeing lots of beerded ladies.

Alas, it turns out that Octoberfest really starts in September, and was long over by the time we got there. Way to sneak one past us, Germans! One less set of tourists you didn’t have to worry about huh? Oh well, we really don’t like beer all that much anyway.

We settled into our rented apartment, which was a little bit of an odd one in that we were more or less in an office building and our apartment was the only one on the floor. We were surrounded by businesses of all kinds, as well as a fairly noisy construction project going on somewhere in the building, and they started with the drills about 6:00 AM. On top of all that, there was a party in the parking lot on a Friday night until maybe 4:00 AM, and we could hear them clearly even though we were about ten floors up. And I thought the Portuguese were late night partiers!

The above photo was the view from our apartment; not exactly nature’s scenic beauty. That building houses some sort of bean company; my theory is that the smokestacks were there to carry away all the, well, fartiness. We could only hope we were upwind.

The building we were living in was noisy seemingly all day and all night long. Then I took a closer look at the signs for the various businesses on our floor. It was only then that I understood why we would probably never get a good night’s rest in Munich:

Yeah, I guess it pays to research the floor of your rented apartment. The good news is I finally got some of that jackhammering I needed done.

As we drove around Munich, like Innsbruck, we found the city to be nothing worth going gaga over. I’m sure it’s a fine place to live with all the services anyone might need, but the only real tourist draw for us was old town Munich (the Marienplatz). And that didn’t disappoint, so we were glad to have experienced Munich overall, especially with some of the day trips available by using the city as a central hub.

Beautiful old buildings surround the Marienplatz. In WWII, Munich was originally spared much bombing because of its distance from the UK. However, as the allies closed in during 1942, the city became a big target, and then was nearly obliterated by 1944 with 70% of its buildings being destroyed.

Since it ended up in the hands of the Americans after the war and it didn’t have to labor under the yoke of the Soviet Union, the city was completely rebuilt, and used its pre-war street grid (which may not have been the best idea), restoring much of its former glory especially in the Marienplatz. Munich also hosted the 1972 Summer Olympics, which unfortunately became infamous when Palestinian terrorists took members of the Israeli Olympic team hostage and all of the hostages died during a failed rescue attempt.

Marienplatz is dominated by the “new town hall” and this column in the middle photo called Mariensäule, which was erected in 1638, and is still erect to this day mostly as a result of receiving regular doses of Statue Viagra.

Shopping abounds with lots of high-end stores and restaurants in the area. I did get a kick out the somewhat kitschy Nail & Spa shop using American flag decor to promote itself, as if somehow American nails are a thing? I’m not sure it’s still a good idea because America’s reputation in Europe has taken a huge hit what with the political goings-on there. Maybe they should go with an Iceland theme, no one hates Icelanders.

They went so high-end with the shops that they even opened a store just for Christ (featuring large repeating signs because after 2,000 years, of course he’s starting to get a little near-sighted), and who could resist picking out the juiciest earthworms ever from Wormland? I’m surprised that’s not a thriving worldwide chain by now. Mom: “Let’s go to Wormland!” Kids: “Yaaay!”

About an hour’s drive outside Munich is Linderhof Palace. Schloss Linderhof is one of three palaces built by King Ludwig II of Bavaria but was the only one actually completed. Unfortunately, they didn’t allow picture-taking inside the palace, which we toured, but our tour guide was not of the highest quality and while it was gaudy and somewhat interesting, if they’re not going to let me take pictures then this is all the attention they get out of this blog. Harrumph. Damn Linderhoffians.

The crown jewel of our daytrips outside Munich had to be this fairy tale castle called Neuschwanstein Castle, which I still can’t pronounce despite hours of trying. Okay, maybe once. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve already seen pictures of this all around the internet, it is, shall we say, slightly picturesque.

You get that photo by braving the crowds and standing on a bridge you hope like hell was designed to hold 100 people. I was also terrified that someone would jostle my arm as I tried to get a picture, possibly sending my iPhone deep into the chasm below. So I rushed to the railing shoving men, old ladies, and baby carriages out of my way, snapped my photo and then I got out there before anyone figured out why that one guy fell off the bridge. It was all just a little crazy. I guess there’s something to be said for taking your own photo, but it’s kinda funny to watch 100 people jostle and maneuver to get the exact same shot everyone else is, and the internet already has. Of course, I scoff, but I did the exact same thing. Damn tourist.

This is what that bridge looks like from the castle. I’m the third damn tourist on the left.

Neuschwanstein Castle is located above a small tourist-trappy town where there are also a couple of other lesser castles. We didn’t tour these; we were gunning for the big boy.

As it turns out Neuschwanstein Castle is a lot like dating a supermodel. She may look great from the outside, but once you get a peek inside her liver you discover she’s slightly overrated. That comment is certainly influenced by the fact that they don’t let you take any pictures inside, and even if you wanted to they wouldn’t have blown anyone away. It was just a bunch of old furniture with lots of liver spots. I kid, it wasn’t bad, but it was a small letdown from the grandiosity that seemed to offer so much promise. Damn supermodels.

As with so many castles and palaces on hills, the scenery was gorgeous, so the whole experience was well worth doing. It’s just that the best part of it was pretty much taking the same photos that the internet has in probably the tens of thousands. The above are unique though, with angles and lighting like the world has never seen before. I know I should sell them as tokens or whatever that crap is, but dammit, I maintain that I always want this to be a free blog for everyone! And that includes all four of my loyal readers!

Otherwise, that was pretty much all she wrote. The trip was long, tiring, but well worth the price of admission, covering five countries, countless castles, over 2,500 kilometers driven, and hardly any pedestrians doing damage to our front bumper. We had full insurance coverage in any case. Damn jaywalkers.

On the flight home we were treated to this amazing lightning display. Was it a portent of things to come?

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Why Walt Disney should have hired Adolf Hitler

Our cruise ship made a stop in Svolvær, which I assumed would be very crowded because they don’t even have the room to put a space between the “a” and the “e” in their town name, but I didn’t get much of a chance to prove that because a very interesting museum was only a short distance from the ship, and once I entered those doors I was sucked into history like I’d entered a time machine.

On this nondescript street sits an entrance you can easily miss. There’s just a little sign with the word “museum” built into it to give you a clue. I only knew of this place’s existence from the ship’s crew, who offered it up as an idea in a town where the cruise line didn’t otherwise offer any excursions. None of my fellow sailors had the same level of interest I had in the museum, so I meandered over there on my own.

As soon I walked through the door I could see that it wasn’t just another run-of-the-mill museum. Artifacts were piled everywhere, looking more like the inside of a storage shed than a museum presentation. The owner/operator sat quietly behind his desk, reading a book. I realized I was the only customer in the place, so I glanced around quickly to make sure I hadn’t inadvertently walked into some sort of secret Nazi recruitment nest. The owner didn’t say much, but he took my money and waved casually at the collection, inviting me to simply wander around.

I promptly discovered that this was easily the most extensive collection of World War II memorabilia, especially the Nazi kind, that I’d ever encountered. The stockpile is mostly the result of one man’s obsession, and included uniforms galore, as well as bombs, weapons, medals, magazines, Nazi Christmas ornaments, photos, and other miscellany, all chock-a-block in a space that at first seemed small, but actually had numerous rooms in which to explore.

When I came across this drawing of Dopey, I wondered if it was from some sort of propaganda poster poking fun at Hitler. So I asked the taciturn owner/operator about it, and he immediately brightened up and came over to explain.

According to him, these are originals drawn by Hitler. He admitted that the Disney characters couldn’t be verified 100%, but with the “AH” initials on them plus the fact that Adolf apparently had his own copy of Disney’s Snow White, made him feel fairly certain that these were drawn by the Fuhrer. I’m familiar with some of Hitler’s other art, and the house watercolor certainly evokes the other work I’ve seen. Oh, how much less misery might the world have experienced if Hitler had somehow just become an artist instead of a mass murderer? Walt Disney, where were you when we needed you?

Here’s a close up of the initials and the signature. I didn’t want to peer in too closely at them fearing that the stink of evil might somehow permeate my skin. Actually, the truth is that apparently Adolf was, for example, pretty playful around kids. I mean, no person sits stewing in an evil broth 24/7 no matter how disgusting they are. This particular epitome of evil could draw, he liked cartoons, and could even be charming when he wasn’t planning genocide. None of that, of course, in any way makes up for his murderous ways, I’m just saying no one is completely nefarious all of the time. For example, it’s hard to look all tough and evil when you’re eating Fruity Pebbles breakfast cereal, or sitting on the toilet.

I’ll admit that it was a little unnerving to be surrounded by all of those swastikas as well as other artifacts and imagery from such an unfathomably heinous time. But I’m a strong believer in making sure we remember history. As I write this, an increasing number of radical right wing groups are making inroads into more and more countries’ politics. I think some of this happens partly because as WWII fades into history, too many forget how easy it was to convince, for instance, a comparatively well-educated populace in Germany that an ethnic group which made up less than one percent of their populace was not only responsible for their losing WW I, but that the price the group would have to pay for being the target of such misplaced and preposterous blame would be the killing of as many of them as possible, even those from other countries. Why are people so easily manipulated to support and believe this kind of thing? It’s mystifying. It’s madness.

Today, many people can’t even see the hypocrisy of merging extreme right wing nationalism and religious themes like Christmas. In the United States, the same kind of cult of personality that led to Hitler has reared its ugly head as the world looks on in astonishment. I mean, c’mon, the calculus is simple: if hate and disdain is an important part of any ideology, or politician, or your usual source of information, run away! Hatred never leads to anything good, and stopping hate starts with each of us. In fact, I’d love to make this deal with anyone: if you happen to be following or supporting a politician that, for example, refers to any group of other human beings, much less your fellow citizens, as, let’s say, “vermin,” you will agree to support someone else. Deal? Deal. Because remember, the only thing anyone does with vermin is exterminate them.

Okay, sorry, I had to vent. It’s scary out there, especially with things like Putin’s invasion of Ukraine looking an awful lot like what Germany did to start World War II. We need museums like this to remind us what happens when hate takes center stage. I mean, c’mon, 75 million people died due to World War II. That’s like executing every man, woman, or child currently living in the UK, or France (in fact, any country in the world other than the top 20 or so in population), with room left over for an additional six million Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, and whoever else was different than them. Madness!

After I saw the extent of the collection I approached the proprietor again with some questions. Once he learned that I had a reasonable amount of knowledge about that era, he began to regale me with stories, including one I found a little hard to believe.

According to him, Hitler most likely escaped from Germany by using a combination of body doubles and pre-arranged underground transportation that eventually landed him in Argentina. When I asked him about the fact that Hitler was seriously ill near the end of the war, he claimed that it was all an act, and that he firmly believed Hitler had lived on for quite a few years after 1945.

I listened to the narrative with a major dollop of skepticism. It flies in the face of pretty much every public piece of information out there, all of which point to Hitler’s suicide. But my host had a whole big book that explained in detail how it all might have been pulled off. Obviously, no one can be 100% certain either way, but my new friend was pretty certain about it all, and of course I didn’t feel like arguing with someone who probably knows more about the Nazis than anyone I’ve ever met.

Anyway, as I told him, none of it matters anymore because obviously Hitler is dead now, so whatever time he had after the end of World War II or beyond is now irrelevant. But people from every political spectrum seem to love conspiracy theories. I’m not sure why, since the track record for truth in conspiracy theories is pretty damn dismal. From vaccines carrying tracking devices to stolen elections to flat earthers to holocaust deniers to Hillary sex trafficking children out of the basement of a pizza parlor that had no basement, some people apparently just can’t stop believing in weird shit.

Speaking of which, this photo will probably start a rumor than I’m a skinhead, but I was actually trying to display my disapproval for the image behind me. Somehow it didn’t come out quite as intended.

I’m sorry this entry wasn’t filled with my usual frivolity, but I guess I get a little grumpy when I see humanity continuing to go down roads that lead to such guaranteed misery. We have the proof people, so just stop it! Achtung! Achtung! Avoid those land mines!

Whew! What a downer! But I can still finish this entry up by drawing from my inventory of photos taken from the ship. I know, I know, once you’ve seen one fjord, you buy a Chjevy (there’s my token dad joke at least, courtesy of my oldest son), but at least nature reminds us that no matter how mean and insane some people can get, there’s always beauty somewhere, even in a drawing of a fairy tale character by Adolf Hitler.

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